Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
You Might Also Like
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.