Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?

“Sure”[click]

Couple: How does it look?

“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest