Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
This was the best day of my life
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
The glory of fall.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”