Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

It’s Monday, but at what cost?

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.