Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

Rich people don’t understand cereal

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?