[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
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4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.