Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

*email from Amazon*

Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE

Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE

Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE

We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?