Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
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I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Sunday
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.