Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
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(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story