Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
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When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
grandparents are too precious for this world
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
