Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
This took me a second..
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.