Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.