Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.