Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
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The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Human stupidity exists because, if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
i was baptized in a car wash
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
