Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
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it takes so much energy
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
👽
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.