Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse

Elsa: LET IT GO!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!

Mugger: LET IT GO!

Elsa: LET IT GO!

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

went fishing caught a bass

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Dead sexy!!