Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.