Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Story time
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.