Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

This fish is cracking me up

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

My fantasy football season is going great

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now