Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings