Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

WWE is French for “yes”

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

LOL!

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral