*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.