*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
You Might Also Like
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns