[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
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🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶
Does anyone ever spiral into control?
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.