If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
You Might Also Like
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.