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[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM


🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶


“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines


A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.


Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*


Got kicked out of Bed Bath & Beyond today for drawing pictures of Drake on their blankets, so they’d be extra soft.


Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.