[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
You Might Also Like
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Not all heroes wear capes…
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.