[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
You Might Also Like
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
pizza
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail