[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
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what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.