@BoomBoomBetty

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

You Might Also Like

@cakemittens

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

@emireecraire

Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race

@5hael

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

@TheBoydP

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@NewDadNotes

Me: what are you doing?

Daughter: playing with Michael.

Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.

Daughter: I know.

Me: how did you know?

Daughter: Michael told me.

@cravin4

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

@Mr_Kapowski

Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them

@sock_holliday

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

@PlainTravis

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”