Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]
Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
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Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: what are you doing?
Daughter: playing with Michael.
Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.
Daughter: I know.
Me: how did you know?
Daughter: Michael told me.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”