Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Finally a use for spoilers…

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

How does one answer this?

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave