[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.