[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you![]()
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
The Struggle
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