[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
new record!
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”