[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.