Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?

Yes, but it was never about money

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

What legos do when we’re not looking.

Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.

You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”