Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
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Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*