me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

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If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar


me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free


Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.


What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster


Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.


inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no


[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here


*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper