me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

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Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?


This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.


Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…


Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet


Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.


I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.


Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.


If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.


(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.