Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
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This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven’t killed anyone yet
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.