@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

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@meganrosati

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

@TommyRainmaker

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

@QwertyJones3

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

@Staggfilms

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

@Gooooats

Meghan Markle is going to be bummed when she finds out that her royal duties include getting up at 3:00 every morning to wind up Big Ben.

@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

@fro_vo

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper