If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
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Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.