me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what

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Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.


They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer


[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
M: How you doin’?


the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do


Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people


I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..


Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.


The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.