me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
You Might Also Like
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
God has left this place
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
How dude HOW?!
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!