Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Great game to play with friends
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out