Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.

Real House Wines.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

Too easy.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.