Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
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“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.