Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
You Might Also Like
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”