Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

checking out some reviews of my local library

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.