Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
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Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
My circle of trust is a meatball
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
work smarter, not harder
This was my dad’s browser history.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.