Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.