Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
PLOT TWIST:
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
