Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”

Polar bear says… “I was born with them”

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

I might give this a try 😏

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus