Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
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It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
2022 be like
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
what the
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.