Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?

When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse