Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.