“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
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I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
my nickname in college
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*seductively eats two tums*
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor