Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.