Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

New favorite tiktok

Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

i love modern commerce

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?