Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Me: “Breath mint?”

Her: “Sure.”

M: “Don’t mean to offend.”

H: “None taken.”

M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)

Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…

Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

roses are red
i fall when i skate

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!

*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Me: Nice abs, bro

Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?

Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off