Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?