Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

Sex in the snow is wintercourse.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Time heals everything 🙂

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…

Me: That IS self control

Dietician: how?

Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

i’m still crying at this

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.

[dragging a corpse to the shed]

NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?

ME: decorations?

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.