ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
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As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
wish me luck lads
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL