Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news

patient: what do they say?

schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live

patient: what’s the good news?

schrödinger: there isn’t any now

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt

ME: thanks i worked really hard on it

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide