Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.