Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.