Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
She knows her part so well!
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
What number SPF blocks people?
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
they finally got him. they got macavity
