me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I remember when things only cost an arm.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.
We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.