me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
We don’t deserve birds.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Bed should get ready for ME
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once