me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
journal
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
