Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely

american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east

Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show