Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?

God: Lighten up drama queen.

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.

*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *

Why does everyone on this bus hate me?

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

[prison hospital]

PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?

CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of

PRIEST: …

CHARLES MANSON: …

PRIEST: Do you want a hint?

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me

dad: and they like you?

me: haha oh goodness no

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.