Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.