Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
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[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.
Banks, what is your problem?
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.