Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?