Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

“You’d better run, egg!”

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”

A fight or flight situation.

Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.