Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.