Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter

mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?

-my 7 year old making the best of her public education

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

oh sorry i cant im busy that day

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans