Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
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when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.