Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
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If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!