ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Ummm 😳
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.