ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
im all 3
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.