ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I’m confused about plants
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
3% human
97% stress
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?