Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon

Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.