Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
finally
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa